Spring Equinox 2022

Posted on by
Reply

 
“It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.”
― Oriah Mountain Dreamer
 
 
The Spring Equinox is always a time of emergence and awakening. This year is full of paradoxes, contradictions and uncertainty at a much wider level as the whole world is being challenged.
There is an increased sense of restlessness and collective anxiety so a good spring clean of every aspect of our lives can be very grounding and healing. The start of the equinox is the best time to undertake this mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Looking at our metaphorical tool box and learning from the past year  – what has been helpful; what doesn’t work anymore; what do we need to refine or discard; is there enough space for new tools to emerge and develop?
 
As days become warmer, lighter and longer, distractions can creep in – therefore it is useful to factor in time on a regular basis to reflect to avoid making snap judgments and decisions. Distractions can leave us open to coercion and lose our sense of self, being seduced by a need to be part of. Questioning our motivation for being part of groups, even if they appear to resonate including spiritually, can be helpful.
 
Themes for this equinox are discernment, authenticity, self-honesty and self-reflection. Allowing transformation to take place without using self-will, not forcing it to happen either ourselves or by others. It feels that throughout these three months we will be reminded that situations are not necessarily exactly what they appear to be. There are also strong reminders not to force our opinions on others. Take time to assess situations. Is this genuinely how I feel? Work towards a sense of wholeness and unity by repairing fractures within ourselves. 
 
What are we presenting to the outside world? Acknowledging franctures within ourselves is the beginning of the journey towards peace. Are we literally hiding, avoiding or are we taking time to reflect, build up stamina? We are being faced with wider territory than we think and for that we need stamina, learning to harness our energy. For some the sense of fight or flight will be obvious for others subtle even imaginary which will overwork our adrenals; for others there may be subtle aspects of denial and illusion. It feels important to clear any old triggers in our psyche or daily niggles before we reflect/meditate as these can effect what we perceive as our truth.
 
This Equinox is equally about forgiveness and loving kindness towards ourselves and others. With Spring comes rebirth.

You may find using this meditation on Forgiveness useful over the three months of the Equinox

https://vimeo.com/687910581

Winter Solstice 2021

Posted on by
Reply

Winter Solstice 2021
“Inner peace is the key: if you have inner peace, the external problems do not affect your deep sense of peace and tranquility…without this inner peace, no matter how comfortable your life is materially, you may still be worried, disturbed, or unhappy because of circumstances.” Dalai Lama
The Winter Solstice is a time to gently celebrate, then hibernate, rest and reflect on the year gone. A very gradual rebirth stirs as the light grows. Part of this process is what do we need to let go of spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically to become “lighter”, what seeds would we like to nurture, what future do we aspire to?What gifts can we exchange and share with others? This year is fuller than others with uncertainty; how can we nurture and stabilise ourselves internally? Old emotional triggers may appear over the next few days, weeks; they are being activated so that we can release them and develop/maintain that vital sense of inner peace as well as tranquility.
There is a feeling of working on what needs to change within ourselves before the Universe “makes us” when we are unprepared. Patience, including compassion for ourselves and others, is another key this Solstice. Reserving judgement until we have a clear sense of what exactly causes us disharmony/to be triggered  and what action do we need to take – remembering not to panic; there is time throughout this part of the solstice. After 1st February we will have greater understanding of  the options we have, together with a clearer understanding of what is truly our community.
What does leadership mean to you? It is a strong theme this Solstice. Are you easily influenced by others? Do you control by being stubborn, withdrawing, gaslighting, giving your power away? Have power over? Maybe this is about a harmonious form of leadership, being open minded, knowing when to be camouflaged, when to be visible, when a situation requires authentic team work, when internal work in solitude is required.
Challenges can be questioning personal loyalties (beliefs, ideals, opinions and people) which may be misguided, not wanting to check out what is real and applicable practically, caring too deeply as a form of avoidance, being ungrounded/accident prone because of preoccupation. It will be really helpful to strengthen our spiritual practices, keeping them simple in order to ensure that we use them daily, even hourly at times, as the energies around us may be turbulent at times. A reminder that the greatest darkness can hide in the light, and light can appear in the darkness. As the Dalai Lama also says “Compassion is the radicalism of our time” this includes forgiveness. Interestingly humour can be a great strategy in order to lighten up.
Finally whatever happens we are moving towards Spring and any personal work we undertake now will prepare for then. Breathe into your very bones anything that truly feeds your soul.

Autumnal Equinox 2021

Posted on by
Reply

Autumnal Equinox 2021 
Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
 
This time of year is about change and within that process striving for balance bringing in the harvest of the year. The weather can be unpredictable as we do this, mirroring other aspects of our lives such as emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. As the past 18 months, or so, has highlighted uncertainty, there may be a tendency to seek diversions as a strategy exacerbated by a surfeit of different opinions, anger, whirling around us. Therefore it may be helpful at times to buy oneself time as opposed to avoidance  –  keeping an open mind and being clear, discerning, about ones own values – not easy. 
 
Staying grounded, focused and practical are going to be vital. From the outside might even appear impartial. One minute we are going to have a sense of the bigger picture and the next a sense of confusion, mood swings, a need for personal survival. It will be essential to clear any dross from our minds, bodies and spirits in order to attain clarity through our higher minds. Some useful analytical questions might be: do I have conflicting values within myself; do I have any misplaced loyalties; what are my ethical standards – do I expect the same from others or accept the differences; where am I restless and have a need for freedom?
 
During the three months of this Equinox, we may feel we are travelling far with a new found energy and persistence. Before we embark on this journey, do we have a feeling that we will be returning home at the end of it or is that unknown or is home a place within ourselves? Our sense of curiosity and, at times, our passion may be difficult to control reminding us to focus and stay grounded. It can be helpful to take reflective pit stops, meditate and reevaluate our primary purpose. Are we heading somewhere we haven’t been before? What are we learning in the meantime? Are we listening to a wake up call to change? We are being given a chance to eventually attain unity but first of all we need to achieve that within ourselves.
 
This Equinox is full of questions. Perhaps the most important one is “am I walking as if I am kissing the Earth with my feet?”

 

Spring Equinox 2021

Posted on by
Reply

Spring Equinox 2021Spring Equinox

Any ritual is an opportunity for transformation. To do a ritual, you must be willing to be transformed in some way. The inner willingness is what makes the ritual come alive and have power. Starhawk

The Spring Equinox heralds new beginnings and a time of change. It is always a time to prepare the earth for fresh growth and to nurture the new, perhaps fragile, life that is already beginning to appear. It is also an opportunity to weed and prune. This also applies to every aspect of ourselves. What do we keep, what do we let go of physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Reflection over the past year can highlight the action we desire to take.  For many, the lessons over this period have been significant together with an understanding of the importance of nature in all its forms. It can be our greatest teacher; full of rich wisdom and the reality is – without it, we wouldn’t exist.

This Equinox, in particular, a message seems to be about ‘growing up’, taking personal responsibility. We have had an opportunity to understand our own truths and what authenticity means to us whilst still living beside others. However, an extra sense of survival can result in being headstrong, secretive about plans for the future. Paradoxically, there may be a tendency to then be too gregarious, dogmatic – unaware of the effect on others. There is definitely a lesson to be had of balance and focus, internally and externally. Not easy when the energy of Spring can be full of excitement, restlessness and wonder. There’s also a gentle reminder at the start of the Equinox that our personal moral compass can be vulnerable, equally it is important to acknowledge our reserves of inner strength as a counterbalance.

Finding some form of ceremony is helpful at the beginning of each season and particularly the Spring Equinox to support us in our sense of purpose and to connect with our priorities. Ceremony is very personal so the following is simply a suggestion and consists of five stages within a meditation:

  • The first stage is naming and releasing  what we no longer desire within ourselves.
  • The second is naming and releasing our inappropriate behaviour towards others and the world around us.
  • The third is about setting our vision for this season and in this case for the year.
  • The fourth stage is deepening the meditation to connect with what we need to help us achieve our vision. This may not become clear straight away and may evolve over the next few days.
  • Finally the fifth stage is a living one during the following three months as we live the intent we put out to the Universe in the ceremony. During the ensuing seasons you may wish to adjust your intentions as your experiences change.

This time of change can bring about healing and joy as we advance into the Spring. Humour and fun are also part of this season.

 

Autumn Equinox 2020

Posted on by
Reply

Autumn Equinox 2020  

 

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi

The autumn as ever is a time to bring in the harvest and take stock, prepare for the winter; balance the books. More than ever this applies to all aspects of our lives – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. At this time of year the weather is notoriously unpredictable which in turn can be mirror uncertainty in our day to day living.

There may be a restlessness to change our world, but however challenging the outside world is, we are equally being given a chance to continue working on ourselves, our
personal relationships and what community means to us at the moment. What can we carry forward from the last autumnal equinox, what can we let go of, what are we unsure about? Are we living in the past or are we projecting too far into the future? What did we learn about Truth and how we discerned our personal truth during the Spring Equinox/Summer Solstice? What is your intuition telling you as opposed to your instinct or the influence of others which can lead to us losing a sense of self?

Some of the challenges of this equinox will be about balance with adherence to convention one moment then tilting out of balance the next which may be influenced by misplaced loyalties, misunderstandings, power struggles, a desire to be perverse/hedonistic. Taking time to reflect, to be still, and not overreact will be essential. Finding glimmers of joy within the chaos will help overcoming toxicity such as overwhelming frustration, fear and anger. If we can identify the source of our personal chaos, it can gives us something concrete to work through, taking personal responsibility where we can and digging deeply to respond with clarity.

We are going through an individual and collective grief process, whether we are aware of it or not. This grief process effects everyone in different ways and is certainly not linear. Loving kindness, respect and compassion are the best tools to offer others as well as giving them to ourselves.

Autumnal Equinox 2018

Posted on by
2
 ‘Collaboration has no hierarchy. The sun collaborates with soil to bring flowers on the earth. ‘ Amit Ray

The Autumnal Equinox is always about bringing in the harvest and gathering seeds. The weather is often unpredictable. This applies not only physically but spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Collaboration and clear communication is vital to timing. Timing is vital to positive outcomes. Collaboration is the main focus of this Equinox whether it is within the family, friends, communities and in the wider world.

We are living in turbulent times and there can be a sense of inconsistency, indecision and misunderstanding leading to arguments and discord, especially when fear and anger are out of balance. There is a deep desire to change the world we live in but this Equinox there is definitely a message that this needs to be tempered with grounded logic – not easy when high emotions are evoked and a love of power within the ego can be sometimes disguised as “being right”.The paradox is using visionary skills through peaceful contemplation and being practical at the same time.
 This time of year is about balance and as Leonard Cohen said “There is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in”. Throughout the day we can find that crack, disappear for a few minutes, release any overwhelm, and recharge spiritual batteries through our spiritual practice. By doing this we can see things with more clarity, flexibility and perspective. Again a paradox regarding our discernment over our passions and spontaneity when taking action.
There is a strong sense that we are at a tipping point in the rite of passage we have been experiencing for quite some time and change is inevitable. What that change will be is our responsibility individually and collectively. Forgiveness, respect and collaboration seem to be the keys to loving resolutions.

Damien Hirst at Houghton Hall

Posted on by
Reply

A visit to Damien Hirst at Houghton Hall, historic home of the Walpoles and the present Lord Cholmondeley

 

Seeing a vibrant poppy, literally emerge from its green pod, has signalled to me that it is time to write about going to Houghton Hall and Damien Hirst. I went with two close friends instead of watching ’The wedding’ on television. What a beautiful sunny, pleasantly warm day. Driving towards the car park I spied a colourful cube out of the corner of my eye and thought it was an amusing image of ice creams – how wrong could I be! As we walked towards the stables, I was thrilled to see Richard Long’s group of tree stumps, called White Deer Circle, was still there. It had fascinated me the first time I saw it. I had spent hours exploring each stump, marvelling with childlike curiosity at the minute worlds reverberating with the magic of nature. It was very comforting to know it was permanently there to explore again and again.

 

We made our way to the Cafe for an early lunch, I now realise how important that was. It would not have been wise for me to embark on this journey on an empty stomach. We were greeted as we entered the empty cafe in such an enthusiastic way, I couldn’t resist saying “Well you certainly look pleased to see us”. Was the whole of Norfolk really glued to the television or was this a reflection on Damien Hirst? Either way our lunch of ‘pretty as a picture’ salads was delicious and very peaceful. As we emerged back into the courtyard at ease with the world, there was a large, really large statue of the familiar iconic girl in a caliper called ‘Charity’, the box broken into with the money scattered on the cobblestones. Cynical, and to be expected from Mr. Hirst. At the back of my mind, now realising that the ice cream cube I had noticed before was in fact skin. Hmm, did I want to have a closer look when we left?

 

I love the familiar walk through the alley of limes from the stables through to Houghton Hall itself and the formal grounds, otherworldly tinged with excitement of what will be discovered there this time. First we went into the south wing gallery with two colourful Spin Wheels of Paint, not particularly original, but appealing in a random sort of way. A broad grin spread over my face as round the corner I saw the pillarbox red woolly dog with squiffy eyes and a bone. Emm, I was intrigued by what next. Lightweight so far?

 

 

 

 

 

 

As we approached the main house, there were two imposing and initially dramatic mythical sculptures on plinths – one of a unicorn and the other of Pegasus, each one with half its body exposing red muscles and sinews. Heraldic symbols perhaps?  As I turned to enter the house, almost discretely hidden under the side portico was a black statue of St Bartholomew holding a whole human skin. I gasped as the reality sunk in. Transfixed as if I had been lulled so far by the lightweight energy. As I entered the house itself I came face to face with the Anatomy of an Angel, again with the half and half exposure made of what appeared to be flimsy white material. What a contrast with the stark realism of St. Bartholomew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I ascended the staircase leading to the main rooms, I glanced down the stairwell to see a metallic decapitated pregnant woman, Barbarellaesque, half her internal organs and baby exposed. Basically her guts hanging out.  Her right hand lying on the floor together with the fingers of the left hand. The whole image felt trapped in the stairwell and representing an act of rage towards women. This was strangely reminiscent of Horace Walpole’s gothic horror novel called the Castle of Otranto written in 1794. Someone being crushed by a giant helmet. The decapitated head was in a helmet. I shuddered especially when I noticed the blinded faces on the stairs looking down at the sculpture. Were the ancestors’ of Houghton resurfacing as ghoulish spectator ghosts?

 

I followed the signage, slightly disorientated, into a large reception room with naive paintings of coloured dots displayed nonchalantly amongst the grandeur. One of the guides, equally nonchalantly, said that of course they weren’t actually painted by Damien Hirst. Then his quote came into my head “I couldn’t be f***ing arsed doing it” and that he had only originally painted six. He described his efforts as ‘shite’—”They’re shit compared to … the best person who ever painted spots for me was Rachel. She’s brilliant. Absolutely f***ing brilliant. The best spot painting you can have by me is one painted by Rachel.” It was as if a pin had burst some kind of balloon. When questioning the guide as to whether he had in fact been hands on with anything here. I could feel anger beginning to surface as I knew the answer before it came. Admittedly fuelled by my true outrage at the decapitated pregnant woman. Were these dotty paintings ‘new’ at all? Had they been painted by his minions? Did it matter? Somehow it didn’t have the same energy as other artists who had assistants.

 

My attitude from then on, was passive-aggressive disguised as a outward pose of boredom. The placing of The Dots in this contrasting setting was at best amusing, at worst pointless – oops. The large cases of floating balls grabbed my attention for a few moments, appealing to the child in me until the overriding irritation resurfaced and I couldn’t wait to get out. I went to the reception desk, bought a small guide to the exhibition and protested saying “I am sure I didn’t pay £18 to see the previous exhibitions”. The man looked at me very sympathically and complicitly confirming that I hadn’t – did the Angel nod too?

 

With a sigh I found myself outside in the sunshine. Like a homing pigeon headed for the slate full moon circle by Sir Richard Long. I wasn’t angry anymore but soothed by its earthy energy and the stress on Sir went back in its box.  I get his work and the man who says

“In the nature of things:

Art is about mobility, lightness and freedom.

Simple creative acts of walking and marking

about place, locality, time, distance and measurement.

Works using raw materials and my human scale

in the reality of landscapes.”

Two giant sculptures of a pregnant woman and a man half exposing their skulls and insides, felt harmless and absorbed by the landscape. They gently made me want to show my friend Long’s slate Wilderness Dreaming. To my delight in another part of the garden I discovered for the first time a stainless steel sculpture of a Scholar Rock by Zhan Wang. Another artist I get. His work challenges me to look deeper into myself and at the same time notice how the environment is mirrored in the sculpture and ever changing, inviting me in. Having watched him being interviewed at his studio in Beijing, I am still pondering on his thoughts that art can be used to convey the thinking of the social and political environment of all issues but should not be used as propaganda. It is about the artist’s attitude towards truth. I can’t wait to come back on a duller day and see how it has changed and what it can teach me. A quick look at Hirsts the Hat Maketh the Man – a) certainly not original and b) in a slightly neglected unusually drab part of the garden but loved the pink chestnut flowers hidden there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Returning to the Stables for a much needed ‘rest’ and drink, I smiled wryly as I saw in the shop that I could buy a dotty plate or a colouring book so I could learn to paint dots too. Really? However I had a delightful conversation with the lady there and she found me the last copy of the Velveteen Rabbit. We shared our mutual love of the story and I left the shop a happy bunny!

 

My friends and I sat companionably in the garden enjoying our refreshments having a good old post mortem of Damien Hirst at Houghton Hall. Entertaining, or otherwise, our neighbouring visitors – was I holding forth a little too loudly! My friend, Charles, asked if I had seen James Turrell’s Raemar Magenta and when he took us there I was riveted by his room filled with colour and the different experiences it evoked in me. Another artist I get. “I apprehend light — I make events that shape or contain light.” Raemar Magenta certainly did that for me. I have never seen his Skyspace Seldom Seen. I definitely will when I come back.  I have also discovered there is a Skyspace in Ireland – already on my list for my next visit.  “You could say I’m a mound builder: I make things that take you up into the sky. But it’s not about the landforms. I’m working to bring celestial objects like the sun and moon into the spaces that we inhabit.” How could I resist.

 

We finished our visit by spending some time in the walled garden and as I regrounded myself in its timeless and ever changing energy, I had that wonderful feeling that the day had fed my soul completely in the company of two good friends. A huge sense of gratitude to Houghton for providing the multi faceted space that can be revisited as many times as I want and on my doorstep.

 

Now that I have had time to reflect on Damien Hirst, I realise there is something very sad about an old enfant terrible who has never been that original. He has been a true business entrepreneur and entertainer but somehow now it feels hollow, and yet both the hidden St. Bartholomew and the decapitated woman still have a resonance for me. Weirdly I shed a tear thinking of them. Was it worth £18? Of course, the whole experience was worth way beyond that. I did not revisit the skin as we left but I did wave a grateful goodbye to the White Deer Circle.

 

 

 

Do I tell the girls?

Posted on by
Reply

My Granddaughters

 

 

 

 

 

This story was written as a parenting tool around the importance of listening to our intuition.

I had just turned 50. There had been lovely celebrations with family and friends, but now I wanted to mark it in some way, just for me. How? One day I was idly flicking through a holiday brochure when I saw a special offer for two weeks in Egypt, in February. What really got my attention was it included getting a diving qualification I had always wanted. Perfect.

I knew I had made the right decision the moment I arrived in Sharm el Sheik. It was the familiarity of Egypt and I was in my air, plus I had never been to the Sinai. I was curious to visit St. Catherine’s Monastery, at the foot of Mount Sinai, together with the Chapel of the Burning Bush where Moses, apparently, had an epiphany. After the diving, at the end of my trip, I hoped to swim with a dolphin I had heard about. She had been separated from her pod and her story struck a chord with me.

The stress of a long-distance relationship was causing endless arguments and ‘silent treatment’ which would always end in me booking an impromptu surprise trip home to try and reconcile, despite this we survived to see out my graduation. 18 months later, we were wed. It was impulsive and frantic… and controlled. One thing that remained consistent throughout was the pattern that followed, one of immense highs followed by immense lows. I would be idolised one day, to disappointing him and feeling at a loss the next.

Aziz, my guide, was at the airport. I guessed he was about 25. He had a beautiful speaking voice which was quite mesmeric at times. He was very engaging, asking me what I wanted to do as well as diving. When I mentioned the monastery, he said “Did you know St. Catherine came from Alexandria? I had to study all about her at University. I also learned that the Bedouins around the monastery are Christians and when the Seven Day War in the Sinai happened it was very dangerous for them.” I didn’t know any of this.

He came across as genuinely knowledgeable about the history of the Sinai, from ancient times to modern. “Would you like to go tomorrow?” He asked. I was delighted and looked forward to an interesting day. He also reminded me that it was Ramadan and people could be a bit edgy at this time from fasting and following the religious laws. I hadn’t realised I would be there during Ramadan, another first.

Driving through the desert was heaven; I just loved the energy of tranquillity despite the troubles that had taken place during the war. I knew there were still peacekeeping forces based there, but on that day it felt beautifully calm. Finally, we reached the Monastery.  It was very dark inside and extremely redolent of other Greek Orthodox churches I had seen in Europe. Lots of hanging lamps and it smelt of sweet, ancient, incense that belonged to another time, cloying rather than exotic.

I felt claustrophobic and wanted to leave when a drawing of fairies caught my eye.  “How strange” I thought to myself. It felt slightly out of place. I studied the fairies for a while, fascinated. Outside, I just glanced at the chapel of the Burning Bush, wondering what kind of epiphany Moses had really had. I was very glad to listen to Aziz’s stories about his life in Cairo as we drove back to Sharm and the feeling of darkness in the church disappeared.

The course started the next day.  From then on, each morning, I would walk along the beach to the diving centre with a real sense of freedom and excitement. In the evening I would walk back with a real sense of achievement. My teacher’s surname bizarrely was Love and we went diving at a place called Temple. This made me smile every time I thought about it.  I loved every minute of discovering the world deep below the surface of the sea.  I loved all the different fish, so unafraid and playful, particularly the clown and angel fish swimming around our bodies like underwater butterflies. Varieties of coral I had never seen before, sea cucumbers in different shapes and sizes… Nearer the surface the colours were vibrant and the deeper we went the colours disappeared. Sound became distorted and my sense of direction changed. Not all the fish were playful and a shoal of barracudas reminded me that we were in shark territory too. Exciting! I could understand why drug addicts liked diving. The deeper you went it became very disorienting in a strangely seductive way with the added spice of danger. Memories of my younger days began surfacing.  However, the older me understood the golden rule about not diving alone and having a buddy. The importance of using regular signals to stay in touch and checking each other’s equipment. It was still magical, till the fourth day.

When I asked him about Ramadan because of the time, he just shrugged. “Oh I don’t really follow all the laws.” It was a hot balmy night and we talked amiably until quite late. Having company that evening helped and the next day I walked along the beach feeling better and ready to overcome my blocks to hovering. Ms Love had asked the head instructor to help us. Very gently he asked me what it was that bothered me about hovering. After a while, I had a memory of my grandmother hovering around me when I got back from school. I realised I had a problem with the word itself! I used to be very sensitive to her invasion of my space.

“Can you think of something to replace that image.” he said softly, almost innocently. “Yes, yes I can.” I remembered the drawing of the fairies. “I can happily imagine being a fairy”.

From then on I sailed through the course, the magic was back and I got my qualification with flying colours. Ms Love was pleased and I was thrilled. When I saw Aziz later he was pleased for me too. “How are you going to celebrate?” He asked. I realised I wanted to know if it would be possible to drive out to the beach where the dolphin was.

“Of course” he said. “Everything is possible”. He arranged for us to have a driver and go the next day. He said it would take a while to get there so we would be gone the whole day. We set off quite early and Aziz sat in the back with me. To begin with I was looking out the window drinking in the energy of the desert, spotting the odd Bedouin child with their camels.

At some point, I became more aware of Aziz, his physical closeness, but ignored it as I thought it was my imagination. The feeling of closeness changed, started to become intrusive, and, at the same time, I sensed the car was slowing down. I saw the driver look at Aziz in the mirror and then everything slowed down. I had experienced this stillness before, years before. A decision was being made. I knew what that decision was. Somewhere in my head I heard my godmother’s voice saying “Don’t do anything, don’t even ask the Universe for help. Just listen to my voice. Remember you don’t have a bad bone in your body.” My eyes slid away from the mirror. I somehow disappeared into her voice, floated in space.

I became aware of the car picking up speed again and Aziz’s closeness receding.  I went back to looking out the window and eventually we arrived at the beach where the dolphin was. I have no idea how I managed to get to a rickety shack of a toilet. I was sick, my knees giving way, I held onto the basin. From somewhere I remembered Aziz saying he couldn’t swim.  I needed to feel safe, get into the sea with the dolphin without appearing to hurry. When I did, this incredible creature seemed to know how much I needed her. She nuzzled me gently, again and again. She kept giving me comfort, reassurance, circling me and nuzzling again. Her grey body soothing and, in turn, I recognised her loneliness at being separated from her pod. We swam together in mutual understanding like a healing balm. I was so grateful for her companionship but eventually I had to get out of the water. I got back into the car wet, wrapped up in my towel like a cocoon, still wanting the connection with the sea and the dolphin.

Strangely enough the journey back to the hotel was much shorter. When we got there, I got out of the car, not bothering to say goodbye. I sat in the lobby for a while with a sense of relief, watching the other guests going about their business. Eventually I felt able to pick up my key and head for my room.  As I got closer uneasiness crept in. The door was slightly ajar. I pushed it wide open without actually stepping in. There was Aziz on my bed, stark naked! For a nanosecond I struggled between rage and laughter.

He looked strangely vulnerable, like a little boy.  With all the assurity of 50 years, I said “For fuck’s sake, get dressed and leave. I am old enough to be your mother.” “Oh no you’re not. My mother is 70” was the petulant answer. He wasn’t 25 after all.

Whilst he got ready, I sat in the sun outside still wrapped in my towel, aware that the sea had dried out leaving a layer of protective salt on my skin.  I left the next day and, when I got back home, I sent Aziz The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I was grateful, I had truly learned to dive and hover.

Do I tell the girls? The girls being my granddaughters,  and the answer is yes, when the time is right. I will also tell them how I recognised the stillness. Sometimes we hover, sometimes we fight. My granddaughters are twins of three. Feisty little girls with strong personalities which disguise a fragility both influenced by their age and, I suspect, their fundamental characters. I wrote this story now as I may not be around when they are young women but I know their mother will pass this on to them when the time is right if I haven’t been able to.

What would my advice to them be? To start off with, be aware of the environments, cultures, traditions you find yourselves in, be respectful whether you agree with these or not – being defiant and provocative rarely works. We make assumptions whether we are old or young and we can definitely teach our children to be aware of our own prejudices and simply to be ‘aware’. My story is really about how important our intuition is and ultimately that is what saved me then and at other times. Parents need to work on their own intuition and can begin to encourage their children to value their intuition. Then they can see how it guides and supports them, rather than depending on logic alone. The best advice I heard given to children was, rather than “never talk to strangers”, when a ‘yes feeling’ changes to a ‘no feeling’ trust it and get away preferably calmly. I taught this to myself and my children and it works. Being afraid of everyone doesn’t work and a child’s world can become very small taking that fear into adulthood. By the same token, my advice to parents is to get help and support if they have experienced any traumas so it is not passed on to their children.

 

This was originally printed in Volume 9 of The Wildling magazine

 https://issuu.com/wildlingmagazine/docs/volume9

 

SMELL the ROSES meditation workbook deadline!

Posted on by
Reply

The best laid plans … not meeting a deadline

Well here we are, the morning of 30th May and there is a strong possibility that I am not going to meet the deadline of launching the meditation workbook for SMELL the ROSES by tonight. For the past month I have been doing a 30 Day Challenge with John Williams for this reason – the workbook is ready, the website is there but …. I could gnash my teeth, cry, rubbish the whole 30 days (a bit dramatic) or just laugh!

Laughter feels the best option! Especially as in the workbook I say “Thoughts of meditation can fly out of the window when strong emotions are triggered. This can happen to all of us and it is helpful to be aware of what some of those triggers might be. A guaranteed one for me can be my computers playing up when I least expect it, especially when I have set myself some unrealistic deadline! What are yours?

As I have said, at some stage of working with meditation, you will probably get an attack of self-doubt. This can happen more than once especially when your intuition increases another notch or you might be overdoing it. I love the acronym RUD (Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly) devised by Elon Musk and his team when they first started Space X. They experienced so many of their rockets exploding, they coined this tongue-in-cheek acronym to keep them going. Self-doubt can feel like rockets exploding in our brains. It is a very normal part of developing a skill and helps us move forwards.”

So there I was yesterday afternoon with my favourite triggers “computers and IT” combined and RUDs exploding in my brain. It was bound to happen but I needed to live in the solution. A quick two minute meditation got me back on track. At least enough to see, I was powerless over the IT stuff as it was now in someone else’s hands and of course they didn’t have the SAME deadline as ME – I can hear  my grandmother’s voice saying “Not his baby”.

After listening to the above meditation, I was left with what am I going to do instead. I decided to listen to the Bear Story as simply listening to it makes me smile. I don’t actually have to do anything else just listen. That’s what I did.

In a much calmer frame of mind this morning, here I am writing a blog post about my RUDs and how I changed my perspective. Whether I meet the launch deadline or not, this will get posted as it has helped me this morning – it might even help you. More importantly I will enjoy the rest of my day.

As I am about to post this, http://smelltherosesmeditation.com/ has gone live and the SMELL the ROSES Meditation Workbook has gone live ….

Rubes Cartoon used with permission. For more Rubes Cartoons visit RubesCartoons.com<http://www.rubescartoons.com>

Pain, meditation, Smell the Roses

Posted on by
Reply

This blog is about pain and meditation, what I discovered from personal experience and what kind of meditation helped – interestingly at times what didn’t. A few days ago a friend asked me if I had kept a diary on my full knee replacement. My answer was no but said I had learned a lot.  On and off over my life I have had back ache, broken a few bones and given birth twice but nothing like the pain I have experienced recently.

I have become far more empathic to people who experience pain every day without respite and certainly humbled by the thought of them and full of respect. I was told by the doctors and nurses before the operation that it would be very painful and to be honest, in hindsight, I realise that was totally meaningless to me. They could not have said it differently either. However, it gave a friend of mine and myself time to prepare in the best way we could. Because I have been abstinent from drugs and alcohol for over 30 years I wanted to avoid opiates, so she made me a meditation tape visualising a time when my knee was pain free and I listened to it at least twice daily for about a week before the operation. I went to hospital full of confidence and very relaxed.

Although they blocked the nerves around my knee and gave me an epidural, they didn’t sedate me. I was fully awake for the sawing, hammering and soldering as well as the fun banter. I listened to an extended album of the Beatles amid the hubbub. It was all very surreal and it felt like I was in one of the comedic parts of a Shakespearean play. I happily carried on with the visualisation and the terrific nursing staff were very impressed with my ability to deal with the pain. This carried on for about three days after I got home.

Then it all changed! I started to argue with the tape. “You have no blank blank blank idea what this feels like!” I ought to mention here that I have been teaching meditation for nearly 30 years and am an NLP practitioner, but rant I did and wondered how often people ranted at me in their heads when they struggled with meditating! Well I had to get my little grey cells working as taking opiates wasn’t an option. I realised that what I could do was pant and believe me there was no danger of hyperventilating – I could only do it in short bursts and then groan. Yes, it reminded me of giving birth. As an aside, I also remembered panting helped my husband when he had a heart attack.

Once the pain eased after panting, I could focus on a one or two minute meditation. I distracted myself by watching day time television and reading pot boiler books unashamedly. Thank goodness I have a sense of humour, although occasionally I thought I had lost it, as I could laugh with people who were having similar experiences. After about ten days, I could work again from home using FaceTime and Skype. I started to move around more and do the exercises you have to do through the pain to get the knee moving. I have become addicted to ice which has been a life saver. I am bizarrely grateful for paracetamol and ibuprofen which I never thought would happen and at the same time can’t wait to stop taking them going back to alternative solutions but not quite yet. I can use the visualisation again too which is good news even if not all the time.

A week ago I had the opportunity to join 30 Day Challenge, which I had done a few years ago to finish my book Healing the Ouch of Disappointment. I just jumped at the chance to work with John Williams again and get Smell the Roses, a meditation workbook, finished and out there. It has really helped me get my creative juices going despite the on-going pain which I need to remember is about healing my knee. The first month is over and they have said it takes two. By that time Smell the Roses will be up and running as a digital workbook.

I appreciate even more the love and support from friends and family, the little things that bring so much joy: gifts of flowers, plants, books, treats. Wandering slowly out in the garden and watching nature unfurl, my grandchildren shrieking in delight as a chicken escapes. All of this can be a form of meditation and Smell the Roses is about busting a lot of myths around what meditation is. Needless to say I have added a section about pain and meditation. By the way,  John’s latest book is called Screw Work Break Free and is worth a read.